Secret 1. Understand Each Other’s Needs

Most of us believe that the main reason relationships break up is conflict, financial issues, communication problems, or sexual incompatibility. Dr. Orbuch thinks that the main reason is frustration, day-to-day disappointment of the gap between what you expect and how your partner acts. “To diffuse that frustration, share your expectations with each other. Maybe you desire more affection and he craves more relaxed couple time. “And be sure to check in with your partner once a year, as added pressures or life changes can create new expectations,” Orbuch says.

Secret 2. Show Him Some Love
In our society, women are complimented from work, family and friends. “I love your hair”, “Sexy dress”…And men don’t get that recognition. Have you heard any comment to men about their sexy pants or hair at work? Men need as much appreciation as women. Give theme affirmation, show they are appreciated, respected, and loved. Men rely on that attention from their women. Luckily, there’s another payoff to your flattery: He’s more likely to return those loving deeds back to you.

Secret 3. Take 10
Take 10 minutes a day to talk about anything — except for kids, responsibilities, or chores, Orbuch’s research showed that 98 percent of happy couples say they intimately understand their partners. And knowing your spouse intimately isn’t always about engaging in heavy conversations: Anything that helps you learn something new will bring you closer. You’ll get to know each other’s inner world and strengthen your bond of happiness.

Secret 4. Focus on the Good
Fixing what’s wrong is not the best way to work out relationship. “The most effective way to boost fun and passion is to add positive elements to your marriage,” Orbuch says. “That positive energy makes us feel good and motivates us to keep going in that direction.” This doesn’t mean that you can’t feel — or talk about — anything negative, but “pretend you are weighing your interactions on a scale,” she says. “If you want a happier relationship, the positive side needs to far outweigh the bad.” The more you honor the love and joy in your bond, the sooner you’ll transform your marriage into one that is truly great.

Original  List:  (AGE 20)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What  I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal (pizza, chinese)
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What  I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1.  Not too ugly
2.  Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3.  Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4.  Nods head when I’m talking
5.  Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6.  Is in good enough  shape to rearrange the furniture
7.  Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8.  Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9.  Remembers to  put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What  I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

.  Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2.  Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3.  Doesn’t borrow money too often
4.  Doesn’t nod off to sleep when  I’m venting
5.  Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6.  Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7.  Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8.  Appreciates a good TV dinner
9.  Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What  I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1.  Doesn’t scare small children
2.  Remembers where bathroom is
3.  Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4.  Only snores lightly when asleep
5.  Remembers why he’s laughing
6.  Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7.  Usually wears some clothes
8.  Likes soft foods
9.  Remembers  where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What  I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2.  Doesn’t miss the toilet.

However, relatively little research has been conducted on friendships between women and men. Although some studies have examined the effects of masculine and feminine personality traits on both platonic with romantic attraction, none to date have examined the effect of financial success on platonic attraction. Finally, no study to date has shown that socially desirable personality traits are necessarily more romantically or platonically attractive than socially undesirable traits. By presenting participants with males of contrasting levels of income, occupational status, social desirability and gender role congruence, the present study examined the effects of financial success and gender-role-related personality traits on women’s platonic and romantic attraction ratings of males.

Conflicting evidence of the attractiveness of masculine and feminine traits in men has been reported in the gender role literature. Some studies have found that women prefer stereotypically masculine men as potential mates; others have found that women are more attracted to androgynous or even feminine personality men. Despite this conflicting evidence, it still seems popular to believe that women in contemporary American society prefer men who are “sensitive,” or have feminine personality traits.

However, many sensitive men may not share this belief because of their personal experience. According to Ickes, “the gentle, compassionate man who reads magazine surveys indicating that his qualities are the very ones that most women prefer in a mate may be the same man who is repeatedly turned down by women who seek the company of more atavistic males.” Similarly, Farrell has stated that women “go for heroes while saying they want vulnerability” and later try to persuade their partners to become more sensitive and vulnerable, rather than initially pursuing sensitive and vulnerable men.

Ickes has proposed that such paradoxical behavior (he also gave examples of men’s paradoxical behavior) occurs because of an inner conflict in heterosexual men and women between genetic and past cultural influences and the influence of gender equality ideals in contemporary American culture. Feminine women may be inherently physically and sexually attracted to masculine men, yet the hierarchical nature of such traditional gender role dyads conflicts with gender equality ideals, leading to interactions that are less satisfying than those of non-traditional dyads.

If gender equality ideals are initially overwhelmed by the sexual attractiveness of a gender role congruent partner, then the influence of these ideals may be best seen in relationships in which sexuality is not an issue, such as friendships. Thus, the gentle, compassionate man Ickes describes may be more desirable as a friend to the same women who reject him as a date, while the more atavistic males Ickes describes may be less desirable as a friend.

Findings in a study by McCutcheon suggest some support for this interpretation of Ickes’ “fundamental paradox” proposition. He found that women were more attracted to feminine males than masculine males as potential friends but found no difference in their attractiveness as potential dates. Thus, women’s attraction to gender role congruent men may have competed with their attraction to feminine men in the case of dating, but not in friendship. The present study examined whether college women would prefer feminine trait or masculine trait men as potential friends versus potential romantic partners and whether feminine or masculine men would be preferred as potential friends versus potential romantic partners.

Ickes’ fundamental paradox proposition also suggests that a man’s financial success is important to women. Success and success-related characteristics such as ambition, earning potential, and earning capacity have been shown to be more important criteria for women than for men in their heterosexual dating patterns.

However, Sprecher’s findings suggests that these gender differences in relationship criteria do not reflect the actual importance of success-related characteristics, but only their attributed importance to men and women. Gender was not related to participant romantic attraction ratings of an opposite-gender stimulus person, but women attributed their attraction to earning potential more than did men. These findings seem to conflict with Ickes’ fundamental paradox proposition, which would have predicted gender differences in attraction ratings because of genetic influences, yet similar attraction attributions because of gender equality ideals.

Nevertheless, Townsend has suggested that unlike men, women with higher earning potential have a smaller pool of acceptable sexual and marital partners than other women because they seek men of equal or higher earning potential. Findings in a later study by Townsend and Levy suggest that the importance of a man’s success level is not limited to his desirability as a potential marriage partner. They found that while a man’s success level became more important to women as marital potential and sexual involvement increased, a partner’s financial success level was a more important consideration for women than for men in their willingness to engage in all measured levels of relationships. Despite the differences in their findings, the converging evidence of these studies suggests that financially successful men are more romantically attractive to women than financially unsuccessful men.

In conclusion, these results suggest that in a controlled setting where confounding variables are less likely to be present, women prefer feminine men over masculine men and that income is important only when choosing among men who all have desirable masculine or feminine personality traits. Although these findings have limitations of external validity, they do lend support to the notion that women are not primarily materialistic, but are more concerned with the relationship-relevant qualities of expressiveness in their choices of romantic partners and friends.

1. Come on to him. Guys experience consent as approval; it’s why some of us are such hounds. When you come on to him, it’s super-approval.

2. Pay compliments. So easy. Let me get you started:

• Nice pants!
• You’re strong!
• How come you’re such a good kisser?
• I love your (body part of choice).
• What a good idea!

You get the point. Don’t wait for the right moment. Throw these things at him out of a clear blue sky.

3. Ask his opinion. He’ll feel heard, he’ll realize you value his point of view, and he’ll get to hear the sound of his own voice. All this spells approval for a guy. The bonus is you’ll get to learn what’s going on inside Mr. Not-Always-So-Talkative’s head.

4. Look him in the eyes and smile. At first it’ll be more than he can stand and he’ll look away. Then he’ll look back. You’ll still be doing it. By the third time, it’ll be all he can do not to drop and give you 20.

5. Stop telling him what to do. All of your hard work will be undone instantly with a single piece of unsolicited advice. Rule of thumb: You can ask him to do something, but leave how he does it to him.

Ultimately, this mother/son dynamic can be the death of a romantic relationship: The person you have sex with should not remind you of the person who gave birth to you. So, how can you nip her motherly behavior in the bud and get back to a loving, equal partnership? Read on to learn what to do when she treats you like a child.
Her maternal instinct

As much as some women would like to fight against their inherent biology, they were made to bear and raise children. When women don’t have children of their own, they tend to project all their nurturing instincts toward the closest person in need, which, in this case, is you. Not all women are destined to or even want to be mothers, but most women have the capacity and even the drive to take care of something or someone. When this comes in the form of making you soup when you’re sick or listening to your troubles after a long day at work, it is most welcome. When it results in repeated requests for you to cut your hair already or pick up your socks, it may bring out the teenager in you.

What to do: When she treats you like a child, you can counteract the negative results of her maternal instinct by acting like a man. She is less likely to think of you as a child if you regularly demonstrate that you are strong, independent and self-sufficient.
Her mother

The deciding factor when it comes to whether your girl’s care-taking tendencies come out as the over-bearing, nagging mother complex or the soft, caring mommy incarnation is what kind of mother she grew up with herself. Women tend to carry on the traits they learn from their mothers, no matter how hard they may try not to — and when she treats you like a child, this isn’t always a good thing. This doesn’t mean that you’re destined to be with the mirror image of your potential future mother-in-law (and if she’s a real bat, you have our pity), but chances are good that your girl has picked up at least a few of her tricks. On the other hand, if her mom is warm, open and bakes you cookies, you should marry that girl immediately because that kind of mother-in-law is few and far between.
What to do: If your girl is starting to display the negative characteristics she has learned from her mother, point it out to her. If she is one of the many women who doesn’t want to end up like her mother, this should be enough to set her straight. You could even agree on a quick code word that you can use when she’s throwing a mom fit, like referring to her by her mom’s name.
You asked for it

Naturally, another potential reason for her to treat you like a child is because you’re acting like one. It’s no secret that women mature faster than men, so you and she may not be on the same page when it comes to maturity levels. You may want to pull a teenage rebellion fit when she tells you there isn’t enough money in your budget to buy a PlayStation 3, but keep in mind that the more you act like you’re 12, the greater the chance she’s going to pull out her mom look and stare you down.

What to do:Act your age and the nagging should subside. If you can rationally explain your behavior or desires, do so. If, however, you can’t come up with any adult reason for them, just cut it out.
Looking out for you

Whether it comes out as nurturing or nagging, in most cases it comes from a place of genuine affection. If she didn’t care so much about you she wouldn’t bother to lecture you on how much fast food you’ve been eating. Just remind her, calmly and without a confrontational attitude, that you are an adult and fully capable of making your own decisions. Add that you very much value her advice and appreciate her help and you’ll earn major relationship brownie points in the process. Sometimes her reminders are genuinely helpful; try to see them for what they are and don’t overreact.

Why We Don’t Say What We Want

Some people are uncomfortable expressing wants because they imagine they’ll appear demanding or controlling. (“What if I ask for what I want, and he sees me as a nag?”) But my clients and I are discovering that expressing wants can be an act of transparency or vulnerability. It really depends on the intent. Are you asking in a way that reveals what you want? Or does your manner of asking imply a threat that if you don’t get what you want, there’s going to be trouble? Asking in a way that reveals yourself is an act of love. This is an example of the intent to relate. Asking in a way that implies a threat is aggressive and fear-inducing. This would be an example of the intent to control.

But even if you do get good at revealing your wants, it is still possible that the other might feel controlled ‑- even though this was not your intent. Consider Vera’s story. Vera has been dating. Howie for six months. Howie has told her that he often felt overcontrolled as a child, and is therefore vigilant about others’ attempts to control him. Through trial and error, Vera has discovered a good way to bring both herself and Howie more present. After stating a want, she checks in with Howie to find out how her request has come across.

Here’s an example of how I have used Vera’s discovery in my life. I call my partner at work to ask him to come home on time tonight so we can have a long, intimate evening together. While my aim is to be open and non-controlling in my request, I can’t help but recall times in the past when my partner has disclosed that my asking something like this resulted in his feeling controlled and choosing to stay at the office even later “just to assert my freedom.” So now, as I consider making this request again, I feel some trepidation. In an effort to be transparent and vulnerable, I tell him, “I want you to come home on time tonight, and I also feel some fear about asking for this.” Then I ask how he is feeling receiving my request ‑- does it seem controlling? Does he feel resistance? Then I am silent as I listen to his response.